How to Prepare for the Imminent Seattle Earthquake


Oh snap.

You’ve already heard about the earthquake that is coming to Seattle. All the experts are talking about it. In fact, everyone that lives west of I-5 will likely be submerged in water.
Read up. HereHere. And here.


If you don’t have extra water and canned goods in your house, you are being extra stupid. FEMA suggests that you should have only 3 days of food and water on hand, but they are idiots. They want to round you up into concentration camps and turn you into iPhone assembly robots. It’s true.

Here is what you do:

1. Buy a big ole’ bucket of emergency supplies. Not a bucket of fries, which are also tasty, but won’t last several months like sodium-filled, delicious foodstuffs.

2. Get a billion gallons of water and store it in your closet. It will fit, I promise.

3. If the power goes out it will also be dark and scary, do you have flashlights? Ghosts don’t like flashlights. Do you remember that power outage that happened last week in downtown? Chaos.

4. Do you have an axe? How do you expect to chop your way out of your collapsed house? What about when you are trying to smash in a door to get to some water supplies? You’ll need this. Trust me.

5. Invest in a raft. Make sure it has enough storage space and don’t forget the rowing paddles. It would be great to also have floating luggage like in Joe Versus the Volcano.


6. If you are one of the people living west of I-5, sell your house and move inland. You’ll thank me later.

Be. Prepared.



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